Today I had my appointment rescheduled by someone over the phone, so they started by asking me some security questions to check they were talking to the right person. 2 out of 3 of these questions were “when did you start claiming, roughly, and what day do I normally sign on?” So that narrows down the number of people who can fraudulently sign for me to about 300 Facebook friends then. At my new allotted time I walk in to the building and fail to miss the eye of the security guard/receptionist-without-a-desk. They always start a conversation by barking the name of the benefit for which they think you are claiming. Under hypnosis I couldn’t tell you any on the list I’ve heard but they’ve never guessed job seeker. Perhaps I don’t “look like a job seeker”. I was then told I wasn’t signing with Richard as Richard is never there on a Wednesday – I make the mental note to try harder to avoid catching the eye of the security guard in two weeks time as I am directed to the same place I have gone for over 3 months. Now 2 mins late I then wait another 15 minutes while the 2 security guards/receptionists discuss across me, almost out of earshot, incorrectly, my appointment time and what might have happened to the staff member to cause the delay. At no point do they update me. Now the fun starts. Unknown Female (remember they never reveal themselves to us) calls me over 20 mins after my nominal appt time. She asks me how my search is going. I make polite conversation about how terribly wonderful everything is. She then changes her tone and tells me in no uncertain terms that I should be signing with the same person each time. I point out that this is something only they can sort out and is well beyond my control. She repeats her command that I should sign with the same person each time. I remain silent. She then invites me to take the time to use the electronic signing pad for the first time. It’ll take a little while to train it, she says, but she’s clearly excited that I will then be able to sign on it rather than paper for all my next visits. I feel only a slight pang of sadness as I see that my montblanc pen go unused (Shirley Mitchell will understand). Training involves signing my name 6 times. I notice there are pen marks on the screen from where people have actually tried to use a pen rather than the stylus hard wired to it. *sigh* The machine hangs on the last go and we’re obliged to start again. Anyone who has signed their name repeatedly 12 times will now recognise that an Icelandic banker could have walked in and done a better job of my signature towards the end of this process but at least the system hasn’t hung. I have time to wonder that if they trust a glitchy electronic system to differentiate fraudulent signatures rather than humans with eyes and fuzzy logic processes and an ability to ask for ID if they don’t recognise the person who has presumably been signing with just them for weeks on end, it doesn’t bode well for the humans. I then actually have to sign on with the system. I read the commandments, scroll down the screen and touch “sign document”. UF nearly has a fit and asks me to read the text first. I point out I have, she says most people read slower. I point out that if you have a PhD and an MBA you learn to read quite fast. The electronic system now asks UF what my “new claim” is for and she is paralysed into inactivity, for I have the weary air of someone who is clearly not a new claimant and the computerised system has completely let her down. She folds a piece of paper in half, dates it, and hands it to me to sign. I pick up my montblanc pen……….

Today combined both the usual signing on and the special naughty step meeting for failing to do anything constructive towards getting a job in 13 weeks. I wasn’t told I had this extra delight at an appointment on Wednesday this week so thankfully Sheenagh renewed my claimant commitment with me today as I have no doubt there would have been retribution for failing to turn up to appointments they don’t tell you about. So, “What does a renewal of a claimant commitment involve?” I hear you clammer. Well, to increase the bond I feel for my torturers, sheenagh went through the whole online form I filled out last November that includes my hopes, dreams, skill set, expectations and tasks around getting a new job. My 20+ year career experience to date is summed up as “project management, research”, for example, which felt perfectly adequate and was left untouched. However, it was clear that educational qualifications “phd and mba” was getting me nowhere. Sheenagh edited these horrors to PHD and MBA which I feel has expanded my horizons considerably already. I did point out that if she was that worried about the correct spelling perhaps she should put PhD, which bless her, she did. Form duly capitalised, she printed it out on the paper that rates just above “toilet” in the stationery catalogue and I re-signed it. Everything I actually DO to find a job over the last two weeks entered online as requested by the claimant nazis is dutifully ignored. £144 in the bank.

Back to my original signing on guy today. Without checking or understanding exactly what I am doing, he has told me to carry on doing it. Keep calm……..

……..but “Kath” is clearly having a gossip about having to move her car, so her desk neighbour has agreed to do it. “It” is still standing here 15 mins later. Oh the joy. Unnamed female (they never bother introducing themselves as human beings) asked me for the booklet that has apparently been replaced by an online service that they do not ask me about. I confessed to not bringing the booklet because I work online and needed to update the system as I had been busy in London yesterday talking about potential work. Unnamed female would not accept my verbal update on my job seeking activity (as others have) and requested that I use one of the computers to update online and them she would try and fit me in when I had finished. I, however, was not leaving that chair until I was finished I’ve got an arm to gnaw off in preference to a second chat with UF. I filled in the form online on my phone in 2 mins and told her I had done so. I then added a couple of other random job search activities just for kicks when UF told me that I was going to have to hurry up on the computer a her next appt was due. I told her again that I had already finished and gave her my govt ID and email address which no unnamed person has ever needed before. UF then presented me with my next appt to which I wondered our loud why no-one has the common courtesy to ask if that time is convenient. UF told me I wasn’t working. I pointed out that while this is true it does not mean I am not busy trying to find work, like being in London all day and I still have three children even if I don’t have a job. UF asked me if the next appt time was convenient through gritted teeth. UF was obviously very keen to see me go at this point but I felt it necessary to get my montblanc pen out and point out that I hadn’t actually “signed” on for today yet and did she not need me to do this? Thankfully, after writing the date on the piece of paper UF told me it was the 11th Feb today as that was the tricky bit about all of today’s experience.

Ritual humiliation at the job centre yesterday involved being told off for not having my paper booklet to write the next appointment in. I provided the response that I was perfectly capable of remembering a date two weeks in advance if by some miracle my smartphone forgot. In fact I have been turning up fortnightly for two months despite not actually receiving any money yet. Turns out I didn’t make sufficient national insurance contributions in 2013 to be eligible for job seekers allowance. This is incorrect to the sum of £4,904.69. One slow computer system and a failed call back yesterday and hanging up on me instead of being put on hold today – I now have £299.95. Do these people seriously run our country? They couldn’t run an egg and spoon race.

So I signed on with my Montblanc pen.

You’re in town at the same time as people who wear slippers rather than shoes out.

Oh, and I learned something today – you cannot take coffee into the job centre to sign on. *sigh*